Meetings

Apart from college romance and life there is too much of fiction shown in the movies about meetings. Those flashing suits, high impact dialogues, sexy secretaries and drama. Plus there are some spoilers in company training too about traits of meetings. But after I joined an MNC I faced blunt realities of meetings. I am going to spill a few observations


-Meetings mostly it happens in cramped rooms with, half broken chair and non working AC and bunch or bored people who has no idea why they are in meeting.

-There are no good looking girls. NO ENGINEERS, DON”T DREAM of it. You are certainly not going to fall in love in meetings.

-Falling in sleep is assured on the other hand. After falling asleep you can assume about presence of a pretty girl.

-Meetings are like life, no one knows why they are here.

-People with good acting skills have advantage of making expressions like they are interested. This would help in appraisals as they have “Proactively” participated in the procedure.

-Checking facebook, tweeting, or making high scores in Angry Birds are the only productive things you can do in the meetings.

 -Only sound is of the presenter and others' yawns. People's expressions are always funny, struggling between listening and boredom.

-Conference calls are like page 3 parties. Everyone introduces each other for the first 10 minutes. Then the others.

-Then people normally resume playing minesweeper other than the talking lot.

-Don't worry if you are not understanding some words used in the meeting. The user doesn't know the meaning of it and has read it from management books.

 -For example,” We have to look upon the potential solutions of the issue and we have to find out the optimum solution .” means “ We have to solve the problem”.

-Minutes of Meetings normally translate to,” We could have done this in easy way but  waste the time to complete the day. ”.

-Words never have the true meaning in these meetings. What is said in sugar coated words is to set your ass on the fire.

-Like,” Can you do this task?” interprets to “Haha! Gotcha, now you have to work your arse off in the late hours while I chill at my house.”

-And in the end guy who cracks jokes is normally the boss and joke are lame than Rebecca Black's “Friday”. Yet, you have to laugh like you are in Russel Peters gig.

Twedding

@He joined twitter. @She also joined twitter.  @She took a picture, photoshopped it and put it as the DP. She was already a twitter celebrity. Thousands of followers . Numerous stalkers, and new trolls everyday.

            @He was ugly, he used cartoon as DP . He was #ForeverAlone, watched porn and tried to impress girls with witty lines.

            @ He fell in love with her DP, Her tweets hardly matted. He knew he was smart. He knew how to Google good jokes and quotes.

            @He followed @She. Witty comments, comforting words followed. @She followed back. @He tweeted what @She liked. Tweet conversations converted into DMs. 

. They  chatted, and fell in love. And then they decided to marry On twitter. They hired @Priest for their wedding.

            There was a lot of buzz around the twitter.  TL looked like a mess.

           

            @troll1: Her DP is fake, I photo shopped it (This is a sly tweet)

            @troll2: Heh,All the witty lines he uses are from Google and Russell Peters' videos.

            @Friend1: And those who can't resist to make jokes can use #ShitPeopleSayInWedding hashtag.

            @Friend2: OMG!OMG its @She's twedding. Best of luck sweetie. :*. XOXOXOXO.

            @Friend3:  I will also hold quiz on #weddingQuiz. Winner would get free goodies. Please RT

            @Friend 4 : Just before the wedding we will have #WeddingSongsMarathon. And we will play random songs in it. Yo Yo Honey Singh!

            @Stalker1: Ah! She is getting married. Sapna tuta hai to dil kabhi jalta hai, Haan thoda dard hua par chalta hai.

            @Stalker2: I will love you till the end of my account.

           

            @He: Yay! Finally I am going to get laid. (This tweet was later found in his Drafts)

            @twitterCeleb: I don't take part in tweddings and shit. I always tweets sense. Get my tweets Rted and act pricy.

            @SagrikaGhose: Congratulations to the couple. I hope they have a good rakshabandhan.

            @kamaalrkhan: Good morning and kiss to @He and  @she for having their wedding. I am cooking dal tadka and firni in wedding.

           

            And finally the #wedding took place. Thousands of people live tweeted it. And as always made lame comments.

            @Priest: Welcome tweeple to the #wedding. We are here to witness twedding of two handles.

           

            @Priest: These two poor souls have fallen prey to the social networking. May Aakar Patel bless the

           

            @Priest: Now we will have ceremony. Any troll or stalker want to sly tweet?

           

            @Priest : @She will you follow him, RT him ,favorite him ,DM him till you stop tweeting?

           

            @She: @Preist I do.

            @Priest: And @He will you stalk her, troll her, say “Nice DP” on every DP she changed and #FF her every friday?

            @He: @Prist I do.

            @Priest: Now you may twiss.

            @She: :*

            @He: :*

            But this is twitter and there is never a happy ending. @He sent her his real pictures. And @She  Called him to let him hear her 'Sweet' voice.  The dreams got shattered. They fought, swore and blocked each other.

            You don't need fair and lovely to look pretty. A photo editing software does the job :D

            

The Star Stealer- 3

            The sun was not hurrying into the fight like other two challengers. He stayed calm and took his time to play the mind game M used to play with his opponents. He wanted Star Stealer to hurry into this game. Minutes gone by, Sun stood as calm as he is waiting for a friend.

            Finally M ran out of patient. His ego took over his mind. He ran towards sun, thinking I will take this kid down in one blow. But When he jumped to strike, Sun swiftly moved to side and went to another side. This move made M angry. He was losing his mind. Sun laughed to tease him more. For him it was like a small child irritating him with silly games.

            Star stealer now prepared for the lethal moves, moving swiftly  and striking heavily. Though every time the attacks were dodged by the sun. Now It was enough wait game. Sun went into the attack mode. He dodged the move by tilting to sideways and kicked 'M' hard in the chest. Crowd cheered heavily. Then sun jumped and struck on the back of the Star Stealer.

            M was losing the battle, he thought the only way to get out of this is to use the rod early. He had never used the rod on the opponent that was powerful and battling. This time he had no options. He drew the rod and flipped him self  to strike. But Sun anticipated this so he was already facing M instead of being on his back. He kicked M in the face. The Rod fell. Sun picked up the rod and Pointed at The star stealer.

            Sun said,” Time has come for you to finish. To end the mayhem you spread across the universe. Time has come for peace”

            The Star Stealer said,” Please let me live. I will be your slave forever.”

            Sun thought about it and said,” You can live on my Planet called earth. You will be a great race, very powerful, but against me you will be nothing. I will take your power and let you live.”

            Crowd cheered, Sun was worshiped everywhere. And on earth there was birth of a new spices called MEN.

The Star Stealer-2

Star Stealer's announcement send the shivers down the spine of leader of the Milky way galaxy. The big stars of galaxy pleaded him to leave the galaxy to mercy. They told him, “ We are living a peaceful life here, don't  disturb the harmony.” But, he laughed off  and said,” I will leave this galaxy on only one condition. Tell your 3 most powerful stars to fight with me. If they defeat me then I'll leave the Galaxy.”  Leaders looked in a shock, there was no way that this powerful presence can be beaten. Yet, just to bind the time they accepted and sent scouts to different directions.

            The news about the fight soon spread across the galaxy, many stars were willing to fight and give sacrifices. All the attempts of the leader of the talk went to trash. Choices for fighters  were limited and had to be perfect to get any chance of the survival. Finally 3 were chosen. They were burly and brutal. Those were the like mafias dons in the Milky way. Their names were Orion, Hercules and Mark. All the hopes of milky way resided on them. Time was coming near for decision of the fate.

            Finally many stars gathered round the arena where fight was going to take place. Hercules was going to fight first. He was fearless in the fight and struck powerful blows to the opponents. He and the Star Stealer stood in the arena facing each other. Star Stealer look calm and composed, while Hercules was fuming with the rage like he had a old grudge.

            Fight started. Hercules charged towards Stealer. Stealer swiftly moved sidewards,just when Hercules passed him he kicked hard on the back. It sent Hercules tumbling. Furious Hercules stood up and charged again, Stealer jumped and struck him on head. It was enough for Hercules to fall down unconscious. Wand of the doom came out and the life for Hercules came to the end. Crowed gasped. But there was a lot to see. Next was Orion. He was not as lucky as Hercules, Stealer showed no mercy towards him,as this time Stealer moved swiftly and rained him with painful blows. When he was weak enough he took the power by the rod. Orion's screams filled the galaxy. Other stars could not see one of the most powerful of them was brought down with ease of breaking a stick.

            Star Stealer called out for Mark, but he never came out. Mark had fled seeing the fate of the other two being  brought down cruelly. He laughed like victorious man. He was going to announce milky galaxy his kingdom. Just as he began to spoke a young star spoke from the crowd,” I will fight you”. All the eyes stared towards him,he came out and stood before The star stealer. He was shining brightly in a yellow hue.”Who are you?” asked stealer, certainly did not liking someone interrupting him. “ I am sun” said the star.” And I will fight you”. Crowed looked in astonishment, where the titans did not work, how this kid is going to stay. But somehow the light and warmth of the sun gave them one thing to live on .HOPE.

The Star Stealer- Part 1

The dinosaur age had just passed. All the mayhem and chaos had came to the end. Rusty wind blew across the galaxy, it was still recovering from the storm that had just passed.

There were murmur amongst the stars that someone feared in every corner of the universe was coming to this galaxy. And as it is with rumor it spread more than the speed of the light. They all went bonkers, all they could do was to pray.

He was known as the “Star Stealer”. He robbed off the light of the star he wanted and got his power. He looked a like a tiny 6 feet creature no one knew about. All were unaware of this race being present somewhere in the far corners of the dark kingdom.

He traveled on a Triangular plate. The legends said that it was the plate where he hides his powers. His color was pale white. He shined like a diamond, and always had a black cloth tied around his neck. The cloth gave impression of blanks of the world and fear. His chest bore a Big Black 'M' mark which made his pretense more sounding ,dreadful.

Many times Stars with big reputations and strength fought him. Alas, they were no match. His style of fighting and sovereignty outclassed them every time. He picked the stars on his will. He was also fond of collecting beautiful planets which attracted him. He shrunk them and kept it in his secret treasures. Sometimes younger stars tried to save the older ones, but all in vein.

First he would challenge a star in duel. In reality it invitation to death,without any option. He toyed around fighting. In the end he would draw his special rod shaped weapon and juice out all the force of the star. Stars called that rod “Wand of the Doom”. That creature was not afraid of anyone. He thought of no one superior.

After the a long time of talks some star which stayed on the border of galaxy saw a fast light coming towards the milky way. Stunned, the star approached the head of the galaxy soon. All the important stars of milky way gathered to face the phase of difficulty. To try and save their world from meeting an unexpected end. He finally arrived. The legends were wrong, he didn't look fearful. He looked Threatening. His presence was more impending than thought. He declared with his heavy,gloomy voice,” I am here to take your galaxy”. A wave of panic and silence struck the milky way.

Lost Goodbye-2

The journey had started. He knew in his mind that the men of death would be waiting at any turn to tame him down. He had cheated them from a long time. Now the time had come that there will be a trap inescapable. Normally they frighted any human being but he was made from a different soil. He faced them and defeated them. They gave him 3 chances to survive the death.

He had ran out of all 3 chances. And the next escapade was a death guaranteed. He didn't fear it , but Angela was with him now. To make the air lighter he pulled a beer crate while driving from the back seat. Handed one to Angela. She proved to be a great company in drinking. He had never seen a woman with this beer appetite . Beer cans disappeared thick and fast.
The road was totally dark. Only light flashing was from the street signs and radium Strips on the road. Occasionally a deer's beautifully scary eyes caught attention.

He could see the glimmer of lust in her eyes overtaking. She came near me. Her hot breath collided with my cheek. Her voice was husky, God must have poured sexiness in the voice, he thought. First time in life Carl was feeling weak. Not in the mind,but in the heart. He gave in to his feelings. He held her and kissed her wildly.
Sexual desire of years came out. Clothes were ripped, parts were bitten. Two bodies intervened and made the rhythmic music.
They smiled at each other. His mind told him that its the time for the truth. He said,” Angela, I want to tell you some thing. I am not going to any adventure. Death is chasing me. The agents off to kill me. There is no excitement. There is no fame.”

She grinned sheepishly and told him to come out of the car. She picked the baseball bat lying in the backseat. Carl watched, clueless. She opened the bonnet of the car and struck a lethal blow to engine. Smoke came out of it and oil spilled all over.

Carl asked,”Are you freaking out of your mind?.”

She laughed and said,” Now you can not escape,Carl”

Carl was going to say something but then it a thought passed his mind. He was stunned. “ Is it you no.3?”

She smiled wickedly and then it happened. Her body changed. In a blink of a eye the stunning woman became a Suited man with a black face and green hands, 7 foot tall monster with a heavy voice. The other agents joined in. They said in unison,”Finally”. The death had arrived.

The Late Goodbye -Part1

He kicked his wagon in fury. He absolutely not approved of her coming with him. There was a huge risk,and she was unaware. In his mind the time was ticking. Death would be coming after him any moment,any second. And he didn't want Angela to be in the affair with death.

She was still sitting inside and laughing on Carl. This was only chance to woo the man of his dreams. From her childhood she was very stubborn. She would hold on to it till she get it. He finally gave in. It was already getting dark. Hue of the setting sun leaving orange spots on the sky. They started the unknown journey. He wondered where this would lead to. A horror in his mind, a beauty in front of her eyes.

They met five hours ago in a bar. There was no love at first sight affair. It was like a piping hot coffee being stirred and made strong. Two interesting strangers met in a breezy evening. Bored of the day he had,she was the spark he needed.

Carl was always flirtatious,but in a soothing manner. She was out going,not so easy to please. But there are some men whose magic is universal, 2 beer cans down they were talking about their life, their most weird deeds. Weird for others,normal for them. He told Angela about the adventure he was going to do. He made things up to make it exciting. Carl didn't wanted a women, a women that he was dissolving in, to know he was going to face death.

She had been up for a challenge always. She told him,” Take me to this quest, I want an escapade to find my self”.

He laughed openly. She was staring him with a mixture of attraction and mystery. Adoring his laugh and irritated by its gist. He told him,” I always do this alone. I am the lonely rider”

She opened her jacket zip sensually,”Well,sometimes you need partners for something” she said with a tip of lust.

Carl smiled mockingly,” These tricks don't work on me sweet heart!” . She gave him the puppy face look.

Somehow Carl found her more taking than she look. A part of him always wanted someone besides her and she was fit to play that character. “But on this journey?” his mind questioned and brought him back to reality.

By the time Carl found his senses, she was gone. He was startled. She was at the door, playing with his keys. His emotions mixed. He was smiling outside,scared inside.

She ran to his wagon opened it and sat inside.”Now you have no options dude”. Take me or leave me. He though about it a lot. There was a exciting perspective,but life would be hitting dead end. He kicked his wagon with fury.

Ziri- The Ultimate Siri

Ureaka! Zar has the revolution again. Recently I’ve been working on a project that will potentially change the face of the IT. Last year Apple came out with a feature in iPhone 4S that tooked the world by fancy ‘Siri’. This search lady did wonders and I’ve done this voice based programs in my 10th std project I decided to take this further. So people from IT be ready to relax and enjoy the whole day in office because I am presenting you “Zar’s siri” –ZIRI.

Now from years people have been coding tirelessly and making small programmes or application that makes people’s life easier and developer’s or computer engineer’s life hell. Those ruthless people from management or clients never understood that “Make this little change” sentence for them is just a sentence but for programmer it is a warrant to be in the jail of coding. But behold, I have arrived and will change it. IT people will go to home early, Then can have some sex life or watch movies or seek single girls hopelessly on the internet.

Ziri makes you feel like a boss. Your boss would be telling you always that do this, make this colour change, UI is not intuitive. Ziri would be your employee now. It would colabrate with any software and software dosen’t collaborate it will use brute force or threaten it with “I will make KRK code on you” etc. So, ziri will take out your voice command and make the real program work to that accordingly. However don’t expect ziri to fetch a beer while you would be downloading some stuff *cough* porn *cough*.

Ziri also has good vocabulary of swears(had to include it to make if friendly with engineers.) so don’t over command like “Do this project, idiot!”, “This was not to be done this way,douche”, it can turn mentally fatal. But simple commands as SQL conversations or java codes is cakewalk for ziri. It can also deal with SAP, Data cubes and what not. No, it doesn’t deal with spam mails and girlfriends or your fake facebook accounts. Also don’t be and jackass and ask ziri to write essays and love letters for you. It’ll come out of the computer and slap you in the face.
And before Apple cry babies are born and claim this is a copy they can ask siri, ”who is your daddy?”. One of the reason I built this is I hate consultancy. That client is god (read: we are its slaves) business goes beyond my understanding. With this people can build their own IT support. And our IT companies can focus on our country and make Rupee stronger. And make me richer also (Money,money,money mera dil bole).

And this software doesn’t have special requirements or conditions in * unless you don’t have a brain ,buy one soon because THIS IS IT!